Log in

Feb. 24th, 2011


(no subject)

I feel hollow.

Aug. 10th, 2009


Writer's Block: Memo to Myself

If you could travel back in time, what advice would you give to your younger self?
Don't smoke the shit in the bowl.

Sep. 1st, 2008


(no subject)

not much to update on in life.

i feel like i sacrifice too much of myself and my time for my friends.
i go out of my way for people and never get anything in return, not that i want or expect it.
still home, sophia's still basically living here.
same car, same job.
same cocktail of contradicting emotions over various subjects.
same me.

i need some change.

Aug. 25th, 2008


(no subject)

Yes journal, I am alive.

How have you been? How are the kids?


Things are going smooth enough, I guess. I'm frustrated more than I'm content and I'm pretty positive I'm developing another kidney infection.. but all in all things are good. I just wish I could afford to get myself health insurance. Going to the doctor for my kidney isn't even an option now. But I have cranberry juice and cranberry pills from the health food store. I'll get through it.

So I'm out of SweeTreats and never going back to that place. I hate it more now than I ever have; the icecream, the job, the owners. I'm going to miss the kids I worked with so so much.. but I really had to get out of there. My last paycheck had 45.25 hours on it and i got paid 6.75/hr. Minimum wage went up to 6.55 in Georgia.. so my pay should have went up to go with the amount difference. It should have. Buuuut it didn't! A girl (one of my good friends, actually) who has only been working there for about a month is getting 6.55.. TWENTY CENTS LESS THAN ME. I've sold my SOUL to that place over the last two years. What the hell? Everyone who was being paid below 6.55.. is now getting 6.55! The other two women who were getting paid above it.. are they getting the same rate as before? No! They're getting over 7/hr.

Seriously. What the hell is up with that?

It was the catalyst to me leaving. My two weeks notice was put in, but on the second week (this past one) I just said fuck it and didn't go back. What's the worst they can do? Fire me? Give me a bad reference? Oh, damn. There goes my life.

I'm working at a Japanese steakhouse/hibachi place in Ellijay called Okinawa. It's really, really amazing. I love it.. my first day on the floor was last Saturday and I got about $55 in tips from working on hibachi table and the sushi bar. It's going to be hard to get into the groove of everything, but I think for my first day I did pretty well. Sophia works there, too, and some other people that are really great. I forgot what it was like to love my job.

Speaking of Sophia, she's basically living with me now. There's only been one day in the past two and a half weeks that she hasn't stayed with me overnight. I guess it's good so we know whether or not we'll kill eachother once we get a place in Ellijay. It's just a drag because she doesn't have a car ATM, so I'm a chauffer. But she shells out gas money, so it's alright I guess.

My sentences are sucking because I'm tired. I think I'm going to take a nap.


Jul. 31st, 2008


(no subject)

Basically a month later, I update again!

This time it is very justified and isn't just my laziness preventing me from going to livejournal. (:

 At the time of my last entry, my dad was still living at home. On the 10th of July at 5am, my dad was taken to the ambulatory care unit at the VA Hospital in Asheville, North Carolina. At 2am that same morning, my grandmother passed away after complaining on stomach pains in the nursing home. Within three hours both of the people that I have lived with for the past nine years and loved were taken away from me. I cried a lot that morning and didn't get to the point of exhausting the faucets until around 8 that morning.

Dad left me $80 because he didn't think he would be gone that long and he also left me $122.53 to pay my speeding ticket on the 14th.. which he thought he would be able to help me with when I went to court. The 14th was a monday.. and dad wasn't able to come home. Unfortunately, that same day was the date of my grandmother's funeral. Dad couldn't go - he was stuck in a hospital 3 hours away having heart surgery.

The funeral was beautiful and I didn't realize I was capable of crying that much. It was hard sitting there in the front row and watching the casket close on my mammaw. It was even harder hearing Jerri talk about how she wanted a special prayer to go up for my dad.. and then hearing Charles Black talk about how the day my dad and I were both baptized was the first time since Pa's death that he had seen my grandmother light up. I was sad about my mammaw, yes, but whenever one of the officiates mentioned my dad.. jesus, I just broke down. Funerals are always terrible.. but being at one of that importance all alone? I don't know how to explain it.


Once my grandmother passed and the funeral/wake was taken care of.. the vultures swooped in. I had been living in the house alone since dad left.. trying to work as much as possible, pay bills, and still have food to eat WHILE attempting to keep the house straightened away. I admit that I did not clean as thoroughly as I should have.. but fuck. By the time I got home from working a 10 hour day I wanted to sleep, not scrub behind the stove. Anywayy, my family came in two weeks ago today and tore the house apart.. "cleaning" it. My art portfolio was filled with trash the day before that when they stopped by while I was gone so I stopped in to talk to my aunt Sandra about it and to ask her to please not throw it away as it had all my college stuff in it. When I came into <i>my</i> house and mentioned my portfolio, this ensued:

Sandra: It was going to be the next thing to go.
Me: Oh, well I need it. Don't put trash in it.
Sandra: Well, okay. You need to get that empty pizza box out of my clean kitchen.
Me:.. It won't fit in the trash can. I was waiting--
Sandra: They make trash bags.
Me: I didn't know what to do with it.
Sandra: [bitching about the state of the house ensues while i'm throwing the empty pizza box in a trash bag (which is pointless, but whatever).. and eventually it gets down to..] You're a slob! I don't think your dad really needs you around. I think it's time for you to get out.
Me: Yeah, okay, I'm gone.
Sandra: You aren't welcome here anymore. Get out!
Me: Whatever, Sandra. Are you really doing this NOW? You're a crazy fucking bitch.
Sandra: [as I walk out the front door and walk up the hill to where my car is waiting with Rachel in it] I don't give a damn about your college!

And she was serious about me not staying there; I was told later by other people who were in the house at the time that she had police patrolling the road and if I came back without HER being there to get my stuff that I would be arrested for breaking and entering.

Yeah. Exactly.

So I was officially homeless there for a while; jacking internet from unsecured networks in town, living from the clothes in my car, and staying with whichever friend was able to let me crash with them. It was a hard time, seriously.  I've never been in a situation where I have honestly had nowhere to go, nowhere to just be able to sit and relax, nowhere to take a SHOWER and just chill.

Dad came back last saturday. So did I. Things are slowly getting back to normal..

except the fact that my room was turned into the random shit room. Everything that Sandra couldn't find a place for in the house was thrown into my room. I can't even get in it because there's a large computer desk lodged between my bed and the door. I've been sleeping in the guest room.

In other news, I am/will be:
* quitting SweeTreats (after 2yrs of being taken advantage of, I'm fucking done)
* getting my second and third tattoos.
* moving to Ellijay with Sophia and Derek and living with them.
* working for the corporate fucker of america. walmart.

I want stability.

Jul. 7th, 2008


Writer's Block: Hope

What gives you hope for your future? How about hope for your world's future? Is hope hard to maintain?
i'm back from the dead, apparently.

I'm answering the writer's block thing to start this journal off again. I'm not sure what gives me hope for the future, to be honest. I've never really thought about it that much until now.. and right now is an awfully bad time for me to be thinking about hope. I guess it's the unknown factor that keeps me holding on and looking forward to the next day. I'm looking forward to the changes that will come.. and knowing there are going to be challenges that will open bright doors for me.

The world's future? Well, that's another story. The state of the world right now really worries me. I haven't watched television in over three months and today - since it's my day off and i had some time to kill before I had to start running errands - I turned on the tv and flicked through the channels. I stopped on CNN and watched for a while. Now, don't get me wrong, I am staying updated on the news! I get the Atlanta Journal & Constitution daily and read it normally before work. But.. seeing the clips and seeing the people yelling at each other over fickle things is different than just reading it. There's so much hate and violence. People blowing other people up. People suing other people. People killing themselves. People killing other people. Just people. It worries me a lot.

It just now struck me and odd irony that I got my tattoo (more about it later on.. picture will be under a cut near the end of the entry) and then two days later I watch the news and I'm brought to tears over the state of the world. Anyway.

I don't have much hope for the future of the world. I'm hoping a revolution will come along and the young people will pull their heads out of their 360's and ps3's and realize that by the time they reach the age they're supposed to retire at and collect social security there isn't going to BE any social security and they aren't going to be able to retire at 62. The economy is going to bottom out, the price of living is going to sky rocket, and my generation is just going to scratch their asses and bitch about how someone else caused it.

No. It's our fault for not acting.
It's our fault for not seeing what's going on.
It's our fault we're a generation of apathetic, self-centered assholes.

Yes. Hope is hard to maintain.

Now that all that's over and I'm in the blogging mood.

I haven't posted anything to my livejournal in.. a long time. I think the last time I updated was back during my sophomore year in high school. I'm now 18. Time flies.

I "dropped out" of high school on April 21, 2008. Two months before my graduation. Yeah, stupid. I was heavily involved in drugs at the time.. from February on through May I was stoned every day. I was drunk when I wasn't baked. Speed. I tried cocaine. I picked up smoking. I didn't care about my future and that attitude got me to a point where there was no way for me to pull my grades up to graduate with my class. So I dropped out and didn't really care. I enrolled in Mountain Education Center (night school), a normal highschool that is basically work-at-your-own-pace and goes from 4 until 11 at night. I completed the classes I needed to have to graduate in two days and ended up graduating with Mountain Ed at the end of May. I got my normal high school diploma and was awarded a few scholarships. I'm incredibly lucky that it worked out the way it did, but jesus. I've just recently realized all the shit I've been doing wrong.

I feel like everyone close to me deserves an apology.

But, the funny thing is, the people that were close to me at the time weren't stopping me from doing any of it. They did it before I was brought into the group and got me into it, and kept doing it once I distanced myself from them. I'm not blaming them for what I did and what habits I picked up; I realize that it was my decision to do what I did and I'm the only one that can be held responsible. But god, wouldn't you think someone would say something?

Aaanyway. That stuff is all over with. I still smoke cigarettes and I do toke still. But I'm responsible about it. No more driving around wasted or stoned. No more sneaking into buildings to smoke. I think I've reached a maturity level I thought wouldn't happen.

Moving on.

My dad's not doing so well right now and I'm basically living on my own. He was diagnosed with congestive heart failure week before last, I think, and has been in and out of the hospital since then. When he went into the hospital initially they airlifted him to Chattanooga and he died for two minutes in the helicopter. When he was grounded again he was alive, but not stable. After tests and tests and tests the doctors found out he had a severely enlarged heart and had 10lbs of fluid and loose tissue on and around the heart causing strain. Apparently, if he had waited 6 more hours his heart would have given out and he would not have been able to be revived. Anyway. He's going through echograms and loads of medications now. I'm worried about him; my dad has always seemed invincible and immortal to me. He's always been there and thinking about him not being in the house scares the hell out of me. I want him to go back to normal. Woo stress.

I grocery shop for myself now, I pay my phone bill, my gas, for car repairs, my insurance, and for anything else I need to buy. All of that for getting paid 6.75/hr and working maybe 45 hours per paycheck. It's hard to stretch it that far after I pay bills. I haven't gone clothes shopping in a while. Being an adult isn't what I was expecting when I was all gung-ho about turning 18. I wish I could go back to being a freshman.

I did spend $45 on myself on the 4th of July, though. I got my tattoo that I've been wanting for a long time.

picture.Collapse )

It's on the nape of my neck and I'm very much in love with it. It could be considered a tribute to my dad since one of his favorite songs is Imagine by John Lennon. I can remember every New Year's that I spent with him in Georgia he would always have Imagine playing at midnight as the first song we'd hear during the new year. He always told me that if everyone played that song during the first minutes after midnight of the new year it'd give the world hope. I don't think I'll ever forget him telling me that.

Jul. 30th, 2006

Shakespeare Mofo

(no subject)

It's been a long time since I've put an actual update on this and I apologize.

Life's just been.. busy, to say the least. I've lied, I've bitched, I've skirted hostile territory in a little maroon Honda, and I have sat in an Ingles parking lot in Blairsville and read The Zombie Survival Guide for an hour and a half while waiting for a friend to finish up at Night School. I imagined that all the people walking past with shopping carts were zombies and that they hadn't noticed me yet, just sitting there reading a book on how to survive in an Undead world, and that at any moment (see: 5:30 when I was to leave to go pick up my friend) they would see me and I would have to make my escape.

I've been so frustrated about having to make a certain "decision" lately that my mind has completely rotted away, I swear.

I'm an indecisive person and I always have been. Whenever I do anything I need a second opinion just to make sure.. I'm not totally fucking something up. It's how I've always been from anything from picking out which video game to buy to deciding which futon to get -- I just can't make decisions on my own. I feel like if I make the wrong choice a huge foot, a la Monty Python, will fall from the sky and squish me. So, when I finally decided to think about this.. "decision" (I don't feel comfortably typing it up here since.. well, I'm just paranoid. Sue me) I still don't know what - or, rather, how - to do it even after asking all of my girlfriends how the best way to do it would be.

The only way I know how to do it is harshly.. but I don't want that to be the.. way.

Fuck, it's hard to skirt around the key words and still make sense. I'm sure a few of you already know what Im talking about, but.. I'm hoping that you don't. Humor me, please.

So, yes. I don't know what to do.

But anyway.

I've suddenly become very.. disgusted by immaturity lately. Things I probably would have found funny a month or so ago now just make me want to punch someone in the head and tell people to grow up and act their age. I'm sure I'll be making people mad at me when I go back to school for not being as amused by middle school-esque antics as I was before, but I really don't care. I've grown up (I hate saying that, lol) and they should to. It's about damn time..

I sound bitchy, don't I? I should have taken a midol before I typed this up.

School starts on the seventh which is.. a week from tomorrow. I guess it's a good thing since I've been missing people like crazy.. but I don't like knowing that this is my junior year and that I only have two more years left before I actually have to.. be an adult. And do adult things like mow lawns and go to college and actually get a job.

I kind of want to be on the Real World on MTV. I think I might make that my post-high school goal.

"What do you plan on doing after you graduate, Cassi?"
"Umm.. I'd kind of like to be the stereotypical bitchy one on the Real World on MTV."
"..Is that all?"
"Yeah. Maybe get an STD or two before realizing that the Government is the mask for the Zombies (stay with me, now!) that the Survival Guide was talking about."
"Miss Sowers, you just sit right there while I go fetch Nurse Dorlene."

That's how it's going to work out. I betcha.

I think I should sleep. I've gotte about seven hours in the past eight days.


Jan. 18th, 2000


(no subject)

comment to be added.

February 2011



RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com